Suffocating

By -

I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted you to smile, I wanted to be the reason for that smile. So, I burnt myself, I burned myself little by little.  

And when I got to the destination you wanted me to get to, you looked at me from the side-lines, eyes full of happiness, smiling. Yes, you were proud. Proud of me. I made you smile. I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to repay all your sacrifices by making you happy. The ones you told me that you did for me. Sometimes I wonder... did you not do it out of choice? If it was by choice, then how was it a sacrifice? Didn't you derive happiness from playing with me, from having me by your side?

I thought my happiness lay in your happiness, but… then…th-e-en… when you are happy, why am I not?

Why don’t I feel happy? I felt it when I saw you smile, but then it faded away after that…why did it fade away so soon? I spent five years...for what...for just for a moment?

I wanted it to last… five years. I feel cheated. Cheated out of happiness.

You keep wanting more, I don’t know if I can give you more. I want to see you happy, but at the cost of what?

I am empty now.

I looked at you as my hero, you were my hero, but now you seem so much more human. Flawed, like me, but then why do you want me to perfect?

Was it my fault, that as I grew up, I hid my imperfections? I didn’t want to be weak, I wanted you to be proud that you had a strong child. A perfection you created. After all, you would have been unhappy that you created a whiny baby, someone who was weak and cried all the time…

I don’t know what went wrong. I feel like you have given up on me. Like you don’t trust me. How can I trust myself, if you don’t have faith in me…

After all my rumination, I know, I know you are wrong. But I still think I love you, I can’t stop and I want you to be proud. I wish I just hated you, so I would stop burning myself for you, but I want you to be happy, so I keep burning myself.

I keep suffocating in the smoke. And now as the fire has died down, there are only ashes left, and you still aren’t proud. And I don’t know what to do…

I keep thinking of what to do, maybe I will build a new me, which I like, from the ashes you left for me. However, the memory of your suffocating love love shall never leave me.

--

Okay, so this was just a figment of my thought which ended up here. Off late, I have been having many random ideas, they aren't full fledged stories, but snippets capturing emotions and I was pretty much confused whether should I post it or not, but then I was like - let me just do it... So yeah! Look forward to more!

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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

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