I am a Coward

I am a coward,

I am afraid,

I am risk-averse,

I am afraid of life, of living,

I am afraid of uncertainty,

I am afraid,

That I will fall,

That I will fail,

That it will all be for naught,

That all my efforts will be in vain,

That people will laugh,

That no one will support me,

That my own family will frown on me,

That despite all my hard work,

Despite all my sweat and tears,

It will all amount to nothing.

I am afraid,

That there is no set plan,

Go with the flow, doesn’t soothe my ears,

Live in the moment, doesn’t calm my fears,

What if it all ends up horribly wrong,

Well, that just sounds like my anxiety talking…

I am a coward,

Because I was too scared to rebel,

To rebel for my dream,

To fight for it,

To walk on the path,

For it is filled with uncertainty,

I don’t know if I will reach the end,

I don’t know if I will be rewarded for my efforts,

I was too busy conforming to the norms of the society,

So, I took the safer option,

I listened to what my well-wishers told me,

“For every success, there are hundreds who failed”

I didn’t like it,

However, what filled me with a sense of fear was the thing that it was actually true…

Be practical, I was told, the odds are hundred to one,

So, I convinced myself,

And slept it off.

And went on with life.

However, as life went on,

Years went by,

I was filled with a sense of unease,

My heart cried with regret,

“What-if?” it whispered,

The timing is wrong, it is nearly too late,

Why do I feel like this now?

I had nearly convinced myself,

But it keeps coming back up,

The heart cries,

I want to try it out once,

Even if I fail,

Even if I fall,

Even if it is all for naught,

Even if it is all in vain,

Even if people laugh,

Even if no one supports me,

Even if my own family frowns on me.

As my heart cries,

I am afraid,

That I will be a coward once again,

And stay there…

I am afraid,

That I will give up,

And choose the easier path,

That I will not do what it wants,

That I will be too scared to start.

 I am afraid that,

I will tell myself it is too late,

And sleep it off,

Saying that it will pass,

That I will reach the end of life,

And wonder,

If all of it could have been different,

I more afraid that,

I won’t give myself, my dream, A chance.

I am afraid that,

I will convince myself to be happy,

And my existence will amount to nothing.

I am more afraid of not trying than failing,

I am more afraid that I will just conform and not rebel,

That I will go on with life,

Blame that this is how life works,

That I will be a cynic,

I will say that dreams and passions are bullshit,

Money and success are more important,

After all, money is important and that is the truth…

Honestly, I don’t know if I have it in me?

Do I? Do I not? Who knows?

Who has seen the future?

Who knows what will happen?

But if I try,

There are two things that will happen,

I will either succeed or I will fail,

But there is also a third thing that will happen,

The constant war between my heart and brain will stop,

If I succeed, my heart will all be like,

“I told you so. Good idea.”

If I fail, my brain will all be like,

“I told you so. Bad idea.”

However, there is also a fourth thing which will happen,

Are you wondering what it is?

Curious to know?

After all there are only a few results to an event…

The fourth and the most important thing is,

That I won’t be afraid anymore,

I won’t be afraid of life anymore,

Of living,

Of failure,

Of falling,

Of all of it being for naught,

Of all of my efforts being in vain,

Of people laughing,

Of no one supporting me,

Of my family frowning on me,

I won’t be afraid of the dreaded, “What-if?”

Because, I finally won’t be a coward anymore.

 

 

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