A Mother's Sacrifice

“And the Women in Innovation award goes to Mrs. Neha from HPK Limited.”

Well, those long-nights did pay off, she thought, as she smiled and walked up on the dais gracefully, and gave a beaming smile for the camera as she was presented with her award.

The MC had described her as truly inspirational as he said, “Mrs. Neha has been a consistent top-performer. It is a proof that women are strong, resourceful and better. Under her, the innovation team of her company has filed 15 patents this year. And she has done all this along with being a mother of a toddler.  A woman of great strength and caliber.  Congratulations Mrs. Neha, it is a great pleasure for us to present you with this award. Would you be kind enough to grace our audience with a couple of words.”

“Well,” she started taking the mic in her hands, “thank you for describing me with such beautiful words. I am indeed charmed. I would urge all women to do their best and not let anything stop them. Being a woman doesn’t stop you, it empowers you. Motherhood doesn’t stop you, it empowers you.”

Did it? A thought flashed at the back of her mind. She swatted away at it.

“I am thankful to my seniors and the top management of the company who have supported me and helped me throughout”

The company didn’t have daycare. And she had to compete with her male peers. And if you leave by 7 p.m. even though the office hours ended at 6 p.m., you had to greet the frowning faces of your peers. Did she use her “I have a kid” excuse?

“Life is hard, sometimes you have to make sacrifices and when you achieve success, you will feel that it is truly worth it.”

Sacrifices were required. True. But was it worth it?  

“Thank you everyone and remember every woman has infinite strength within her. She has the power to struggle and carry on even in face of adversity. Please recognize the strength within you!”

That was true.

Beaming at the camera once more with her smile, she walked down the dais towards her table. She had to leave early. She checked her phone. The cab would be here in 10 mins. She excused herself, gathered her bag and left.

The cab ride was relaxing as she allowed herself to drift away in her thoughts.

Her mother had bore two daughters. Two twin daughters. Sneha and Neha. Both of them loved each other dearly. They had no secrets in between them. They truly understood each other right from childhood to adulthood. And hence after achieving success, when the marriageable age had come knocking on their doors, they had decided they will stay together despite marriage. Both of them were smart, bright, and well to do. They brought their houses next to each other. It was good that their husbands were quite compliant.

Her sister and her had always been assertive. However, Sneha was stronger and more independent than her.  And hence, you could imagine her shock when her sister had announced four years after her first kid that she would stay at home. If someone would have asked Sneha if she would quit her job after kid six years ago, she would have scoffed.

“Who does that?”, she would have sneered. “I didn’t study so much to just sit at home all day. If my goal in life was to stay at home after kids, then why did I spend so much money and time on a Ph.D.?”

Life has a way of changing plans. Motherhood even more so.

Two years later, Neha had her own kid. But she loved her job. She didn’t want to leave it. However, motherhood was time-consuming. Maternity leave is a leave which ends even before you can relax.

There are corporate policies for women. The HR claims that they are supportive. However, the ground reality, the subtle remarks, the subtle sneers are always there. And she didn’t know what was worse. Her son crying every morning as she was about to leave for work or when he used to sit beside the front door in the evening waiting for her to come home.

Her heart was stabbed with guilt. Motherhood was difficult.

Her father was a mathematician and he used to chuckle at the probabilities, the improbabilities and coincidences of life. He used to say, life itself is a game of probability. The chances that the day when you have an important meeting is the day your kid will fall sick is 1 against 365, but still it would happen. And the coincidence was so damn accurate that it used to piss her off.

She didn’t know whether all her awards were worth it or not.

“Madam, we have reached”, the driver said, interrupting her out of her headspace.

“Uhh,” she said startled, “umm, yea, thank you.”

She slid out of the cab and made way to her building. The elevator was taking an ungodly amount of time to come. Finally, she reached her apartment and rang the bell. She could hear the squealing from outside. The door opened to reveal her twin sister with her son in her arms and her own child clutching her pant leg.

It was in times like these, she was quite happy that her sister had chosen to stay at home. It was a great help.

“Mommmyy” Aarav whined as he made grabby hands at her. Neha immediately dumped her bags and took her son from her sister’s arms.

“Ohh baby, mumma is so sorry she had to leave today morning even though you were sick”, she cooed softly as her son buried himself in the crook of her neck and sniffled. She bounced him up and down and settled on the couch. She whispered sweet platitudes and rubbed his back as he calmed down. He fisted his hand around the fabric of her dress and clutched on to it, afraid that she would leave again.

“Rough day?” She asked Sneha.

“It’s okay, you don’t worry, you know I would do anything for you.”

She gave her a quick grateful smile.

“Well, I think he has fallen asleep,” her sister gesturing to the sleeping five-year-old in her arms. “That was quick considering I have been trying to put him down since afternoon.”

“I will lay him down and come”, she muttered and walked to his baby blue bedroom. She kissed his forehead while laying him on the bed and then proceeded to place his favorite teddy bear plushie in his arms. “My angel, my petal”, she whispered as she watched him sleep. Sighing, she made her way back to the living room. She found her sister admiring the award and running her fingers through it.

“Congratulations!”

“Hmpf, what congratulations…I feel like crap.”

“Ohh, come on!”

“I don’t know how long I can do this. Manage both. I think I will go crazy. There is no time to do anything.”

“Hush now, you can do it.”

“No… I don’t think I can. I don’t know if the sacrifices are worth it or not.” She yelled.

“Yahh! First of all, don’t yell. I am still 5 minutes elder to you”

“Oh please!” Neha said huffing and rolling her eyes at Sneha.

“I know it is difficult. Sometimes even I wonder whether it was all worth the sacrifice or not.”

“What do you wonder about, you are at home. You spend the day with your kid.”

“Well…like you have made your sacrifices, I have sacrificed my career. So, even I wonder if it is worth it.”

“Is it?” she asked tentatively.

“I don’t know”, Sneha shrugged. “Sometimes, I feel useless sitting at home. I don’t know how do you make it worth it? How do you decide if it is worth it? When I look at you, all upset and distraught I think it was a good choice. And then when I look at my other friends achieve success in their careers I feel, for a fleeting second, an ounce of regret.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead. Besides you know everything.”

“You don’t seem to strike as the type who would give up your career. Why did you do it anyway. I didn’t ask you back then.”

“Well, when Rehan started his school and he was struggling with it. And I felt like a failure. That I failed in being a good mother.”

“And now?”

“Well, now he tops his class. So, I guess I feel good.” Her sister replied with a shrug. But she could see a twinge of pride on her face.  

“So, whether you are happy or unhappy would be directly dependent on how successful your child his in his life?”

“Yeah. It is a common phenomenon around the world. Mothers tend to sacrifices their entire lives for their kids, only to derive joy from their children’s successes. And that is why you feel guilty. Mothers are constantly told this. You know the traditional stories. You are supposed to give up your life for your children. The unconditional, undying love. And hence, when you are not there for your child, the guilt starts eating away. Fathers don’t feel that kind of guilt. They do. But not to the extent the mothers do.”

“So, what is the solution?”

“It works for some; it doesn’t work for some. Some women are okay with the sacrifices and some aren’t. It is your call.”

“Well, no one talks about the struggles of motherhood. You know all the mother’s day messages. I love my mother, who kept me in her for 9 months, who understands me without any words. What about us? No one understands us without any words!” she huffed crossing her arms.

“You see that is precisely the reason why mothers are celebrated. We are celebrated for our sacrifices. No one else is strong enough to make them. Only us. No one is strong enough to keep going on without anyone understanding them. Only us. The mothers who stayed at home have made immense sacrifices and the ones who worked have also made sacrifices.  You can’t frown upon either of them. Society likes to judge each of them, but you can’t demean any of them.”

“What do you do at home? Read Shakespeare? You are sure starting to sound like one!” Neha said wagging a finger at her sister accusingly.

“You brat!” Sneha smacked her arm. “Here I am trying to help you and all you are doing is making fun of me” she said narrowing her eyes at her sister.

“Thanks sis.” She whispered as she snuggled closer to her on the couch. She felt fingers run through her hair.

“You should take care of yourself.”

“Don’t worry, we will be taken care of next Sunday.”

“Huhh? How can you be so sure?”

“Everyone will take care of us next Sunday.”  

“What?”

“Yeah! It is the only day when you are super pampered and everyone wants to listen to you.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“It is Mother’s day next Sunday.”

“Ohh…”

And as if on cue, a whine was heard from the bedroom. “Mommyyy….”

“Looks like our reprieve is over.”